Dreams

I've always remembered my dreams. The scary ones, the funny ones and the downright weird ones, they all swirl around me like smoke as I wake up.

For the second time in my life I woke up in tears because of a dream. I can recall everything vividly, it was short.

It was a summer day, in a dark room. All the blinds are drawn, they were the horizontal ones and the sun was peeking through so there was light. It was a small bedroom. I've never seen this room but I could dimly see stuff lying around. I was napping or attempting to in the heat. The bed was small it was maybe a full size. Someone was sleeping next to me it wasn't Nate I get the strong feeling it was my mom. Everything was in a brownish light like afternoon sun.

I was on my tummy trying to sleep and in my arms was P-Chan. She was on her back. Her most favorite sleeping position. She had all her hair and she was looking at me her tail wagging and her arms folded in front of her. I gasped in surprise as even in my dreams, and I am aware I am dreaming, I knew she was gone. I held her tightly and she snuggled up putting her head under my chin and nudging with her nose. As I held her in my arms I started crying. I could feel my tears rolling down my face and getting her face wet which annoyed her as she repositioned her face to look directly into mine.

Those chocolate brown eyes, her white face and the feeling of holding her again was overwhelming and I cried harder. She was panting and looking at me like, "Why are you crying I'm trying to nap with you!"

I knew I was waking up. Because as I held her she started fading. The afternoon light that was in my dream was being replaced by dawn. I held on to her and my dream as long as I could and I woke up slowly and she faded away like one of those movie type fades and as I woke up my arms were in the same position but empty and I was in tears.

I was crying so hard that I woke up Nate in alarm and he was asking me what's wrong. It was so hard to tell him what I was dreaming about as I could still feel her in my arms.

I thought I was done crying for her. It's been almost two months. I was moving on but the loss is still as painful as the first few days without her. I've told family and friends that I am ready for another dog in the spring. But am I really? Every time I see a dog or hold one I have to fight back the tears as memories of P-Chan come pouring in.

Almost sixteen years we were together. That's a long time. I still miss her so much.

I know I am still heartsick over the loss of such a great companion but I know that even when we get another dog to share our lives with, that dog wont fill the space in my heart that P-Chan occupied. Not completely. That new dog will create her own space in my heart. (I plan to get a girl!)

I am glad I had this dream. I got to hold my baby again even though it was only for a moment.